Planet Fitness Drama: Woman Told to Cover up For Being Too Toned

Planet Fitness

Planet Fitness prides themselves on being a judgment-free zone but it seems that they’ve taken this concept too far. I stumbled upon a news story about Tiffany Austin, from the Bay Area, who was told to cover up because her toned body was intimidating. Yes, people actually complained about the woman’s body being scary, according to KTVU.

Austin said she was trying to get back in shape after recovering from a recent car accident, and felt that Planet Fitness would work out. However, her first workout only lasted 15 minutes. She was running on a treadmill at a slow speed, wearing the outfit that you see in the photo above, which I don’t think is bad (especially considering some of the things I’ve seen). Eventually she grew self-conscious because she noticed other people staring at her, and then a staff-member stopped her and said, “excuse me we’ve had some complaints you’re intimidating people with your toned body. So can you put on a shirt?”

Here’s the full story:

I used to think the Planet Fitness commercials were gross exaggerations of the extreme personality types you come across in the gym but I guess the rumors are true. There are people in the gym who’d rather be seen and judge other people than actually focus on their work out. I’ve been a member of a few gyms and have seen it. That behavior always makes me laugh but most of the time, I encounter more people who are just there to mind their own business.

I prefer lifting and classes, and have been a member at Bally, Crunch, Lucille Roberts and a New York City Parks Gym. Bally was a Lunkhead central meat market. I got hit on a lot and a lot of the people there seemed like their purpose was to get picked up. There was one time when I was doing intervals on a treadmill, where this buff man who had been staring at me since I walked in, stationed himself on a treadmill next to me and kept questioning my various speeds, not realizing what I was doing. Another at Bally, I was doing preacher curls and a PERSONAL TRAINER told me not to do them because I’d get too bulky. WTF! Crunch was cool because I really enjoy their classes but my only beef is that here in NYC their classes are often too crowded for comfort. Lucille Roberts was entirely too girly and didn’t really encourage overall fitness. They were more about weight loss, which I think is vapid. The New York City Parks gym might as well had been Riker’s Island but I digress.

Planet Fitness never appealed to me based on the commercials, especially not the dance one (dance is one of my favorite ways to work out and I like to get down without having to think about who’s intimidated by my presence so that set off a red flag for me). I get that they want to encourage people who may otherwise be too insecure to workout, to stand feel safe and comfortable but isolating one group while judging another doesn’t makes sense–fit-shaming at it’s finest. It’s ironic, considering their tagline is “No Judgment.” I’m absolutely not the fittest person in the world but I prefer places that encourage wellness from a balanced, well-rounded perspective as opposed to environments that keep people at a beginner level.

I got sucked down a rabbit hole on YouTube researching things about Planet Fitness and not only did I discover that they have designated days where they give out free pizza, bagels (BAGELS!), and also have bowls filled with Tootsie Rolls laying around. I believe in a balanced diet and I am not a nutritionist but common fitness knowledge is that pizza can be tricky (you can make healthier variations of it but it’s still not ideal for fast toning and/or weight loss) and bagels are full of empty calories. Let’s not even start on gummy candy. You can eat what you want but is it really productive to eat these things after working out? Shouldn’t we be nourishing our bodies with fruit, vegetables and protein post work out? So, yeah…I do have a problem with that. They also have a Lunk Alarm that goes off whenever people display what they describe as “lunk-like” behavior. One of the things they describe as lunk-like is grunting or breathing to hard while lifting. Huh? Anyone who has done heavy lifting knows that both are unavoidable. You can control the volume but not doing it at all is absolutely ridiculous! One of the things that stuck with me from the trainer who taught me how to lift is that breathing is integral.

Planet Fitness is free to do what they want but they should consider remodeling how they put their plan into action. Perhaps create an environment where those who are more experienced serve as inspiration for those who aren’t. The Lunk Alarm could still be fun for actual meat heads but nitpicking every little thing, including the way someone’s body looks, is ridiculous. Isn’t part of the point of working out to achieve your desired figure?

Whatever.

In related news, none of this stops me from being amused by their policies. Like I said, I got sucked down a rabbit hole on YouTube where people were ranting against PF. In one case, someone said that a location removed squat racks because people were intimidated, and in other situations there were several people trying to make the alarm go off.

It. Was. Hilarious. I almost want a buddy pass to PF so that I can try to set off the Lunk Alarm too.

Anyway, enjoy the shenanigans:

This one is a Daily Show skit:

YouTube Commenter Buildsomemuscle86:

“My buddy has a membership there and asked if I could show him an arm workout(never being in a PF, I did not know what to expect). I picked up the 75lb DBs and started hammer curling, people went up and complained to the front desk that I was too itimidating! Really? i was still warming up! jesus … hahah.”

Trey Songz Enlists Our Favorite Fitness Stars For ‘Na Na’

Trey Songz Na Na

Trey Songz recently released the video for his single, “Na Na” and he tapped into some of Instagram’s most popular fitness stars including, Mankofit, Rosa Acosta, The Bella Twins (from E!’s Total Divas), and Jazzma. I don’t know how on Earth I missed this video but props to Black Girls Guide to Weight Loss for posting it. It’s a steamy and sensual song featuring Songz in sexy workout situations with each of these women. Brace yourself, it’s not raunchy but it’s still extremely sexy to the point where you may squirm and shout out, YAAAAAASSSSS!

Very nice, Trey Songz. Let’s get those workout dates on and poppin!

Anyway, props to Trey Songz for choosing a variety of women for this video and for celebrating physical strength. By the way, this is a great song for a pole dance, stretch or sexy seats class.

*Immediately starts working out.

 

Here’s a closer look at his features via Instagram photos.

 

Mankofit

 

Rosa Acosta

 

Nicole and Bri aka “The Bella Twins”

 

i_Heart_Jazzma

Five Muscle Pain Relief Products For Blasting Post Workout Discomfort

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I often feel and look like I got crushed by an anvil hours after exercising or even when I wake up the next morning (it gets that real). This is especially true after pole dancing where I often bruise, or hardcore Pilates and H.I.I.T., where my muscles may feel stiff or strained.

Check out this doozie following a pole dancing class:

So, yeah…don’t ever believe the hype that dark skin people can’t bruise but I digress.

Anyway, I’ve amassed an arsenal of sore muscle pain relief products that I want to share them with you because they need angel wings even though they’re inanimate objects.

1. Shea Moisture Joint and Muscle Relief Balm

The Shea Moisture joint and muscle relief balm has a nice lavender and wild orchid scent, and they’ve added shea butter for moisture. As per the container, lavender has anti-inflammatory properties that can help alleviate muscle spasms, shea butter moisturizes and heals skin, and it also contains peppermint, which is anti-inflammatory and good for muscle tension. It’s greasy but there’s no testing on animals and it doesn’t contain petroleum, synthetic fragrance, parabens, gluten, paraffins, phtholates, and other chemicals I can’t pronounce. It’s simple to use. You just rub it into the affected area and wait until that good numbness starts to take effect. I like this stuff because it won’t leave you smelling like an 80-year-old woman (no shade to grandma, but I’m just saying), thanks to the nice floral infusion.

2. Arnicare

Arnicare is a creamy white homeopathic medicine that is also paraben-free and scent free. It’s good for general massages as well as bruising, swelling and stiffness.

3. Traumeel (by Heel)

Traumeel is similar to Arnicare in that it’s a white, creamy, homeopathic and scentless. I find that it’s excellent for bruises and according to the Vitamin Shoppe, it’s also paraben-free.

4. Tiger Balm Ultra Strength

Tiger Balm Ultra Strength is a miracle in a jar. It’s a white petrolatum-based herbal infusion of goodness. This is my go to for so-sore-that-I-can’t-move muscles.

5.  Tiger Balm Cream

The cream is not as strong as the jelly but it still works. Tiger Balm is best for soreness and stiffness but the thing I hate about the cream is that it smells like toothpaste. That’s not the worst smell in the world but c’mon son, you don’t want to walk around with your entire body smelling like toothpaste. Keep this one in the house!

I don’t think any one is better than the other because they’re suited for different things, and different levels of pain, but that’s trial and error based on the individual, hence why I have so many (that and because I’m a product junky). From my experience, my favorites are the Traumeel for bruises and the Tiger Balm Ultra for sore muscles, because it gets that serious for me. The Shea Moisture Balm has the best scent and I enjoy using it for massaging muscles at an intermediate level of pain. If you’re the type of person that doesn’t like grease, because I know some of you are texture freaks, then you’re better suited for the creams.

Adventures in Pole Dancing: I Don’t Want to Compete

I don't like competitions

I entered a pole dancing competition despite my aversion to them, and learned that competing in the pole community and in general, unless it’s with myself, isn’t my bag but I’ve finally come to terms with admitting it.

The thought of competing with other people has always turned me off. I’m not afraid of it, however,  I’d rather stay on the outskirts of a culture where we are taught to care about toxic opinions and to constantly be better, faster, smarter, stronger and intimidated by other people, seemingly without compassion. It creates an unhealthy environment that’s easy to get caught up in even when you try not to.

I realize that some competition with others is inevitable like, in the event of a job application. I’ve also participated in spelling bees, board games and things of that nature, so I am not oblivious but I don’t like what it does to people, self included, and now I realize that I just shouldn’t compete if I absolutely don’t have to, especially with regard to pole dancing.

I started pole dancing in 2011. For me, it has always been about fitness, strength, friends and confidence. I even worked up enough courage to perform in two showcases but there aren’t enough opportunities to simply just perform. It seems that many people in the pole dancing community seek validation in the form of competition, as if this is the only way to convince the rest of the world that pole dancing should be considered an actual sport but I digress. Eventually, I came across the chance to enter said competition (it doesn’t matter which one) and while my intuition begged me not to do it, I applied anyway. I figured it couldn’t hurt and reasoned with myself that it would be a good opportunity to perform and grow as an artist.

I didn’t get chosen and I immediately began beating myself up. I doubted my skills, wondered why I wasn’t good enough, chastised myself for entering and compared myself to dancers who made it–finding things that I felt were wrong with them that I could have done better. That is a version of myself that I don’t like. It’s one thing to constructively criticize yourself within reason, but succumbing to feelings of inadequacy is a recipe for falling into despair.  Rejection is natural and common but it doesn’t always mean that you’re not good enough. It can simply means that it isn’t your season, but sometimes reasoning disappears when competitions are involved because we throw ourselves to the mercy of judgement and forget our other major triumphs, particularly trying in the first place.

I fell in love with pole for the camaraderie and the understanding of how hard it is and how much work it takes. Yet the culture of competitions seems to diminish those notions by forcing people to live up to expectations that may not be suited for them based on a variety of factors (body type, flexibility, etc). I’m not bashing competitions and I’ll graciously attend one since the dancers are amazing and inspiring, but they’re simply just not for me so, I’ll continue working on my personal craft until a neutral showcase comes along. Now enter patience, another life lesson that has yet to sink in.

 

This post is my contribution to the PDBA March blog hop.

Fitstagram Love: 6 Instagram Fitness Accounts to Follow For Inspiration

Instagram Fitness Accounts

I have fallen off the fitness wagon but that doesn’t stop me from keeping up with some of my favorite resources–primarily on Instagam–for motivation, tips and tricks. I plan to get back on at some point soon but in the meantime, check out some of my favorite Fitstagram accounts for fitness inspiration.

Fit men Cook

Warning: This account will make you hungry. But it’s cool, he posts healthy food. Fitness is probably 80% what you eat, so this account is a good guide for recipe ideas. You can find Spanish and English tutorials detailing how to make delicious, quick but whole foods in 15 second videos.

Poleitical Clothing

Not only does this company make bad ass pole apparel–and they’re fellow PD Blogger–but they host photo challenges and cool flicks of customers doing epic pole dancing stuff.

Koya Webb

koya-webb

Koya Webb is a holistic health and nutrition coach who eats primarily raw vegan. She also appears to be the happiest person on Instagram, seriously. Most of her flicks involve yoga movements, happy frolicking, enticing pics of vegan food from her travels and inspirational quotes.

Chelsea Loves Yoga

Chelsea really does love yoga, judging from her pics. I like that she gives instructions on how to execute certain moves on some of her photos.

Tashinator001

Tashinator001 is a fly polerina who gives #thickfitchicks like me that I too, will one day be just as nice on the pole.

Follow the Lita

Follow the Lita really does follow Lita’s fitness journey. She’s big on building muscle and strength, and provides demos and tips along the way. She is also big on being a #thickfitchick as you will find the hashtag all up and through her feed.

 

Recipe: Mixed Berry Banana Spinach Breakfast Smoothie

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My apologies for the shady lighting.

I’ve been trying to have at least one smoothie a day ever since doctors told me to get my iron up. I’ve struggled with anemia my entire life but I know that drinking your greens can help your body their nutrients absorb faster than eating them. I incorporate this tactic by having a breakfast smoothie at least five days a week (Note: you can eat this whenever, I just prefer the morning). My go to blend is this usually either mixed berries or just strawberries, banana, spinach (and sometimes kale), honey and almond milk (and sometimes yogurt).

It’s simple.

1 cup (or a handful) of berries.

1 ripe banana.

1 cup (or a handful) of spinach (or desired dark leafy greens).

1/2 cup yogurt (I love Fage)

1 tablespoon of honey (I sometimes use dates).

Blend and enjoy.

You can also add water to taste depending on how liquidy you want your drink.

In the case that you want to use almond milk instead of the yogurt, go for about 1 cup but again, that depends on how thick or thin you want your drink.

What to Expect From Your First Pole Dancing Class

My first attempt at street pole in New Orleans, summer 2013.
My first attempt at street pole in New Orleans, summer 2013.

A lot of my curious girlfriends ask me what pole dancing is like, and I also have some who have tried it but stopped because it made them feel awkward. I often feel like a pole mother hen in these situations, as the one in our circle who has continually kept up a pole practice, often explaining to them that going to your first pole dancing class will most likely be intimidating, especially if it’s a mixed level class. I also encourage them to try again, if they weren’t completely mortified, because it can also be rewarding as long as you go in with an open mind, prepared for a real work out and understanding that it can be an amazing adventure. There are other good break downs about what to expect during your first pole dancing class floating around the web but here’s my take.

Finding a Studio

Finding pole dance classes can sometimes be a trial and error experience but most likely your first class will be a referral from a friend or through a Groupon type service. Go with the flow and see what happens. If you like it, don’t be afraid to continue to explore different places. I’ve found that various pole dancing studios can be good for different things depending on your personal goals. Some have a culture that fosters students to compete while others are more about empowerment, wellness and camaraderie, so it depends.

 

The Uniform

Ignore my sad attempts at foot pointing.
Ignore my sad attempt at foot pointing.

The basic beginner pole dancing uniform is short shorts and a tank top. Your teacher, however, will probably be wearing the community standard along the lines of a sports bra and boy shorts. If it’s a mixed level class, the more advanced students will also be wearing some variant of a bra and panties.

Ease Into it

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You may feel awkward and uncomfortable at first but that is natural. Pole dancing isn’t natural. You’re asking your body to accomplish extremely hard feats of strength while also challenging gravity. It’s not going to happen overnight. People advance at different speeds and some moves may be easier than others based on strength level, body type and flexibility. Keep working at it until you figure out your style and what works for you.

What to Bring

peanutbutterjellytime

Pole dancing can be an intense strength training and cardio workout (as a beginner you’ll probably do more spins and dancing on the ground) so bring water, shakes (if that’s your thing) and snacks like fruit and nut bars (I love bananas and Kind Bars). You’ll also potentially need grip. Finding the right grip is also a trial and error  experience that depends on a variety of things from how much you sweat to the room temperature. My favorite grips are iTac 4, Dry Hands and Tite Grip (I use the latter two the most). All of the above can be found at Amazon.com.

Feeling Awkward

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On top of feeling silly because you may not be able to execute moves fluidly, you may also find yourself uncomfortable with your body or seeing other people’s flesh. Keep in mind that various parts of your skin will serve as points of contact for the pole, which is why polerinas tend to wear skimpy clothing. There are also lots of moves involving flashes of crotch (like the vagina monster, for example). I felt awkward at first but the feeling faded after about a month of classes and after about six months of classes, I too felt completely ok with frolicking in a sports bra and boy shorts (initially I’d just wear cut off t-shirts and soccer shorts). If you are squeamish and can’t get over yourself or the ample bodies on display around you then pole dancing may not be for you.

The Warm Up

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Using the pole as support for working on my headstands.

Pre-pole warm ups are hard core. They are my least favorite part of the class but a necessary evil. Typically you can expect to do a combination of Pilates and yoga-inspired stretches and core conditioning. We also use the pole as a conditioning apparatus (pull ups, invert drills, aerial crunches etc).

Expectations Vs. Reality

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The most common lament I hear from women is that they’re not strong enough.

Newsflash: Everyone starts with a blank slate. You have to crawl before you can walk. You have to jog before you can sprint. You have to spin before you can climb, and you have to build strength and confidence before you can truly become bad ass. Everything in pole is trial, error and gradual. You may have moments where you think you’re doing one thing but discover that what played out in your mind was not actually what you did and that’s why we practice–to get better, to be healthy and most importantly, to have fun. Be patient, don’t beat yourself up and understand that you are awesome simply for being brave enough to take the class.

Safety First

In my experience pole dancing hasn’t been any more or less dangerous than when I did more traditional dancing and sometimes tumbling (where I have sprained ankles, fingers and wrists several times). It’s important that you warm up properly and request a spotter when you are feeling insecure. Never attempt a trick, even if it’s a spin on the ground, if you don’t feel stable. Always ask for the proper points of contact and make sure you stretch and nourish yourself properly after class.

Prepare to be Amazed

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Your body can do some awesome things. This is something you will learn with experience.

Fin.

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Grunty Crush of the Week: Teresa Scott of Women’s World of Boxing

Teresa Scott Women's World of Boxing

Teresa Scott and I used to work for the same publishing house, and one thing that always struck me about her was that she seemed so cool, approachable and down-to-Earth. Her energy made a lot of sense to me after I learned about her passion for boxing because, in my mind, it’s hard to break someone’s spirit when they’re grounded in something that they truly enjoy. She has found a way to not only thrive on her passion but use it as a way to inspire other women.

For Scott, what started out as a hobby to lose weight and stay in shape has become a business. She left her career in publishing to move forward with Women’s World of Boxing and it’s going well. Looking at her physical condition now you’d think she was born boxing but she didn’t start until adulthood, and that is why I felt it was important to share her story. She graciously explains how she got involved in boxing and why she encourages women to give it a try.

How did you fall in love with boxing?

That is an interesting question! How does anyone fall in love with something or someone and at what point do you realize and accept that it is in fact love? My first recollections of love and boxing are of the way boxing made me feel. I was 215lbs, overweight, over my career and over not feeling passionate about anything.

When I started training ten years ago there were very few women in the gym. It was the typical old school, “man’s world” of a boxing gym and just walking in was a challenge on most days. Between the trainers unwillingness to train women and the male clientele uncomfortable training with women, it wasn’t the most welcoming environment. It made training even harder so there was no love there. It was getting through everything that made it hard, overcoming the hard combined with feelings of accomplishment and eagerness to go back and train harder the next day is when I realized I was in love with boxing.

T. SCOTT

Ladies Stretching

At what point did boxing become less about weight loss and more about maintaining it as an everyday lifestyle?

Being overweight my entire life, everything was about my weight and size. I was always “healthy” until I wasn’t. I was 30 and my doctor informed me that I had high cholesterol, high blood pressure and was at risk for diabetes and heart disease. I had just started boxing so I figured I would train, weigh in, track my progress and check back in with my doctor in 6 months.

The funny part about that tracking process was after training for hours every night at the gym I was too exhausted to track or weigh anything! Boxing requires so much discipline and focus that for the first time my focus was not on my weight or my size. It was on training, what I was learning and discovering all the things that my body was capable of.

When it came to my diet, foods that I had previously considered comfort foods or reward foods were replaced with thoughts of all that hard work I had put in the gym. I no longer wanted to reward myself with things that weren’t good for me and I found comfort in feeling my mind, body and spirit grow stronger. So I would say the lifestyle shift would be when I stopped saying, “I can’t have that, I’m dieting” to “I no longer want that because it’s not good for me and I choose better because I want and deserve better for myself.”

What’s your diet like these days and why does it work for you?

I maintain a low-carb, high protein, gluten free as possible and meatless diet. It works for me because it fuels my body instead of leaving me with feelings of being weighed down.

T. Scott

What is Women’s World of Boxing and what lead you to want to share your passion with other women?

When I started boxing, a week would not go by that one of the guys at the gym would say to me, “this is a man’s world and you have no business here.” I told them I had no interest in being apart or disrupting their world, I simply planned on creating my own which is how I came up with Women’s World of Boxing. I wanted something that didn’t exist. A welcoming, safe environment where young girls and women can come to learn how to box and train hassle-free surrounded by a community of supportive and inspiring women.

What do you know now about women and boxing that you didn’t know then?

That women follow the sport and probably know more about boxing than the average guy.

What are some of the biggest lessons you’ve learned about yourself going from working a nine-five to a full time fitness entrepreneur?

I’ve learned the importance of time management, maintaining a balance, connecting and networking with other fitness entrepreneurs, and reaching new prospects. When you work for someone else, even if you hate your job or employer, there is comfort there knowing that as long as you show up and do your job, you will see a paycheck in two weeks. I’ve learned to find comfort in creativity and uncertainty. There is no nine-five when you work for yourself, there is just now and yes.

T

Give me three reasons women should consider boxing.

Reason #1: It releases stress.

Reason #2: You will apologize less.

Reason #3. They will discover strength they never imagined they had.

What are your goals and intentions for this year in terms of career and life in general?

I intend making history opening Women’s World of Boxing independently in 2014 by being the first woman-owned, women-only boxing gym in NYC. I intend on franchising WWB nationwide and manufacturing boxing apparel and gear for women of all sizes. I intend starting a WWB Girl’s Club and summer camp to focus on empowering girls through the sport of boxing, and host related health, fitness and mentoring events. So I guess in terms of both life and career goals, my intention is to share my life/boxing experiences with the hopes of making a difference.

Anything else you’d like to add?

I encourage women to try it. If it’s for you, you will know it and if it isn’t at least you will know that it isn’t.

Visit WomensWorldofBoxing.com for more information.

Facebook.com/WWBoxing.

Twitter.com/womnsworlofboxn.

Instagram.com/wwbcoach.

Product Love: Shea Moisture Problem Skin Face Lotion

Shea Moisture African Black Soap

I got a hold of several Shea Moisture products during a trip last summer to New Orleans for the Essence Music Festival and have been up to my neck in trying out the product. That is a good thing, especially with regard to Shea Moisture’s Problem Skin Moisturizer with Tamarind and Tea Tree Oil from their African Black Soap line. As you can see, the packaging says the product’s goal is to clear and balance blemished, oily skin. My skin isn’t oily, it’s more combination than anything but man oh man does it have problems with acne!

It’s rare that I find a face moisturizer that doesn’t make me feel like I just slathered lard on my face so I’m always skeptical. When I first noticed how thick this Shea Moisture stuff was, my side eye was on high alert. But I was wrong!

Shea Moisture Facial Lotion

Shea Moisture African Black Soap

Details: It’s thick, like I mentioned, but a little bit goes a long way. Do you see that bit on my finger in the photo above? That is enough for my entire face. I’ve had this thing since last July and have been using it twice a day for at least four times a week so think about it, July 2013 to March 2014 and I still have a bunch left. You can’t beat that for $11.9 at Target. Plus, it doesn’t feel too heavy and doesn’t clog my skin. It makes my face feel soft and supple (sorry to be cliche, but it’s true) and doesn’t seem to break me out. Score!

It has a mild sweet smell that, to me, is neither pleasant nor bad but if you’re a fan of Tamarind scents then that is the driving smell and you’ll enjoy. It’s also paraben-free and not tested on animals (snaps for the hippy-bohemian divas).

The Verdict: I’ve found a new face lotion worth incorporating into my daily routine.

Cons?

Nope. I like it that much. Talk about serendipity!

P.S. I was given this product for consideration.

Adventures in Pole Dancing: I’m Out of It

depression

I was physically the strongest I had ever been when we moved back to New York in November but then I stopped working out. Fastforward to today, I am a weakling, mentally and physically, and it’s breaking my heart yet I’m still paralyzed.

I haven’t been to a pole dancing class since right before Christmas, and the one time I poled after that was for my participation in a High Heeled Hottie Night. It was then that I realized how much luster I lost when it comes to poling and life in general. I’m even struggling to write this.

Actually, I’m struggling with finding the motivation to do anything. I have absolutely no passion, no spark and no desire and I hate it. I feel like I’ve been working for a long time toward dreams and goals but getting nothing in return but stress and trauma and so, I’ve shut down. I used to fight this feeling by continuously moving and doing but it seems like the more I move and do, the more I hope and wish, the more things collapse, so I’m allowing myself to be at an impasse.

I initially began this about pole but it’s obviously deeper, as in, depression again, and I’m tired of talking and thinking about it so I am just going to stop for now. Maybe if I don’t fight or try this time something good will happen instead of how it usually goes. Maybe my brain will recharge and I’ll stop being a shell of my former self.