Adventures in Pole Dancing: I’m Out of It


I was physically the strongest I had ever been when we moved back to New York in November but then I stopped working out. Fastforward to today, I am a weakling, mentally and physically, and it’s breaking my heart yet I’m still paralyzed.

I haven’t been to a pole dancing class since right before Christmas, and the one time I poled after that was for my participation in a High Heeled Hottie Night. It was then that I realized how much luster I lost when it comes to poling and life in general. I’m even struggling to write this.

Actually, I’m struggling with finding the motivation to do anything. I have absolutely no passion, no spark and no desire and I hate it. I feel like I’ve been working for a long time toward dreams and goals but getting nothing in return but stress and trauma and so, I’ve shut down. I used to fight this feeling by continuously moving and doing but it seems like the more I move and do, the more I hope and wish, the more things collapse, so I’m allowing myself to be at an impasse.

I initially began this about pole but it’s obviously deeper, as in, depression again, and I’m tired of talking and thinking about it so I am just going to stop for now. Maybe if I don’t fight or try this time something good will happen instead of how it usually goes. Maybe my brain will recharge and I’ll stop being a shell of my former self.

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Starrene Rhett Rocque is a former member of Dumbledore's Army who now enjoys gallivanting at pole, yoga and dance studios. She also occasionally fantasizes about becoming a shotgun-toting b-movie heroine.